The following is a Cinderella story told by me at age 16, in the style of J.D. Salinger. We had just read “Catcher in the Rye” in class and we had an assignment to tell a fairy tale in the voice of Holden Caulfield.
Flash forward to today, when I found myself digging through some old essays and writing assignments and I thought I would share. It’s kind of entertaining…
That Kills Me…
By Elana (age 16)
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where she was born, and what her lousy childhood was like, and what her mother was like, and what happened to her, but I don’t really feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. I’ll just tell you about this glass slipper stuff that happened to her. That’s the only part that’s really important, if any of it is important at all.
Where I want to start telling is the day that Cinderella, that’s her name, and her stepmother and damn stepsisters get the invitation to the Prince’s Ball. The Prince’s Ball. That kills me. This guy gets to have his very own goddamn extravagant party just so he can get himself a girl. Big phonies are always doing that- throwing big events to make themselves look like they’re worth it when they are really not worth the pumpkin that gets you there. They are always so proud of some stupid title like Sir or Prince or King or something.
Anyway, this Cinderella girl is cleaning and doing all these goddamn chores, like usual, when they get the invitation. Her stepmother says that she can’t go unless she does this long list of chores and makes herself look decent. Her stepmother is in charge because Cinderella’s mother had died and her father had married this evil witch, and then he died too. Things are always not working out like that. So Cinderella works her goddamn ass off, while her ugly stepsisters aren’t doing a damn thing. She has help them get ready and all, because they are the type of girls that go all crazy when they see celebrities like the prince, and don’t get them started on having a chance to marry him. Girls like that are so phony. It makes me nauseous.
So the day of the big event comes, and Cinderella has everything done and she is ready to go. She is the kind of girl that wants to go just because it might be fun. That kills me. So Cinderella helps the girls get all dressed up and she gets herself dressed up, and the stepmother changes her mind and says she can’t go. The stepmother and her two ugly daughters leave without Cinderella in the carriage. That woman had gotten Cinderella’s hopes up on purpose. You could tell.
This poor girl ends up standing in the kitchen by herself. She isn’t the type to get feeling all sad about herself or anything, but she started to get really sad because that stepmother of her’s was so goddamn mean. All of sudden this old woman appears and she tells Cinderella she is her goddamn fairy godmother. She tells Cinderella to go get seven mice, and a pumpkin. The old woman does a little dance and turns the mice into horses, and the pumpkin into a carriage, and the cat into a driver. Then she gives Cinderella this gorgeous dress and these glass slippers and she waves her wand that does her hair up all nice. Girls drive me crazy when they are all dressed up. Over-dressed and gaudy like her damn stepsisters is nasty, but when a girl looks pretty it drives me crazy.
When Cinderella arrives at the ball in her pumpkin carriage, everyone is staring at her and all but it isn’t because she is in a pumpkin carriage or anything. It’s because she is so goddamn beautiful. Her and this prince hit it off, but she can’t stay because of this thing I forgot to tell you about: everything turns back into what it is at midnight. The carriage turns back into a pumpkin, the horses turn back into mice, her dress turns back into rags and so on and so on. So Cinderella goes running at, like, eleven fifty nine, and in her hurry she loses a slipper. The next day the Prince can’t stop thinking about her and all, so he rides around town looking for the girl whose foot fits the goddamn glass slipper. He finally finds Cinderella, and they end up getting married and all and the stepsisters get turned in.to stone. That’s all I’m going to tell you about.
Yes, the ending is a bit abrupt, but I believe we had a two page limit.